if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
