Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
