I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize