Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
