dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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