Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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