So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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