I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
