Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
