our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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