I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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