Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
