i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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