Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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