we're chasing vodka with high fives
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
