Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
