I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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