Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
