She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
tell me about the eggs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
