I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Congratulations! We have a period
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