Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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