I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
