I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
