AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
