the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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