Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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