we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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