I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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