planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I need moral support for this bender
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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