just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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