What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
