Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
