After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
