a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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