i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize