i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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