Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
