rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
