when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
