Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
