it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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