You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
