my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
