At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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