I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
