I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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