Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
