How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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