wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
