I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
