I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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