I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
