In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
