I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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