Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
