That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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