I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
