i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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